Saturday, November 13, 2010
Still need focused prayers on Noah's kidneys and brain function. This is getting EXTREMELY hard to watch my baby just lay here with no real changes.
Today they have, once again, turned off his paralytic in hopes to see if he can tolerate moving a little. Last night we struggled even more with sedation and getting him comfortable. However, I think who he had for a nurse last night has something to do with it. :/
I am getting so frustrated with everything. I cried during rounds because my emotional cup is extremely full now and I can no longer keep it in. I just feel like we are not actively helping Noah recover. I am worried about his character... I really miss my baby boy who plays with my eyelashes and gives me random kisses and likes to shake his butt. It is harder to look at him this time around because he was not sick going into surgery. And because of that, recovery time feels like forever. It is a gloomy day outside this morning... a reflection of my heart right now. Maybe it is God's way of showing me that He is sad with me and that I am not alone in this moment. Today I just need and want to cry. I don't want to be strong today, and it is time for it to take a back seat. Praying tomorrow will be a better day and that I can once again be 'strong'.
PLEASE pray for Noah's kidneys... this seems to be the problem we need to get fixed before we can actively help Noah.

9 comments:

Anonymous said...

Not being strong and crying do not have anything to do with each other. As moms we have to cry(especially with what we are going through) I feel the same way all the time..but crying is good and it doesnt mean you are weak or not being strong for him. Remember we have to take care of ourselves so we can take care of them and be happy and positive around them. I wish i was there to be your shoulder to talk to you and tell you this will all soon pass. I know in my heart Noah will be fine..its just time. We pray for him every day and we pray for him with Sophie before she goes to bed at night. We think of you all daily and just know you have another momma out there who has the same feelings who thinks the same way...who understands the emotional roller coaster that most can try but will never ever get.
Megan

Anonymous said...

admitting that you are struggling is hard, and that in and of itself, is strength. It is NOT a weakness to cry or be emotional. God gave us tears to release what cannot be kept inside. So, cry away. Scream and yell. Get it out!
Love you and can't wait to see you tomorrow!
Bre

DANIELLE said...

Debi, please know that you are an amazingly strong woman!! That amazing unthinkable strength you have is rooted in your unshakable faith in the Lord. He provides that strength, even on these rainy gloomy days when our hearts seem to overflow. It's still there, it's just harder to find today.
Allow the Lord to wrap his arms around you and carry you through this day. Go ahead and cry out to him. Whatever pain you have on your heart. And listen to Him tell you how much he loves you. How he loves Noah, and what a perfect creation he is. How your pain is his pain, and how each day is new, and you'll get through it together. No one loves you like HE does. I can imagine it's difficult but try to take comfort in that.
My prayer for you today is that you empty your heart out, cry out all that pain and let the Lord fill it back up with his amazing love, peace and strength. That you will hear him when he whispers to you "I AM HERE." and you will feel his comforting presence in that hospital room.
We continue to pray for Noah, for his progress. I remember how you guys told us Noah likes to set his own pace. He takes his time and doesn't like to be rushed in these recoveries. Right now, he's just taking his sweet little time.
Dani

Anonymous said...

Debi;
Crying is good let it all out until all the tears are gone, get a punching bag and punch away. Tomorrow you'll be stronger. Not everyday do we have to do it all, sometimes we need a break and today is that day<3 Baby Noah has all our prayers and love, just give him the time he needs to recover, one day at a time. We all pray every day and before you know it he will be the same Noah playing with your eyelashes and shaking is cute little butt. Take a Debi day today you don't even have to smile! xo Mindy

Anonymous said...

Debi,
I remember you telling me that you weren't able to cry. Maybe you needed to be strong at the time, but now the Lord is giving you these emotions for a reason. Cry out to the Lord for your baby and he will cry with you. He will hear you and you do not have to be strong. You are such an amazing Mom and an inspiration to me.
We will continue to pray for Noah's kidneys and for each day to be better than the previous one.
All our Love and Prayers to you, Noah and Aaron.
Jill

Anonymous said...

Baby Noah, Mommy, and Daddy,

We miss you guys and pray for baby noah everyday. The fish he made Kayleigh is still on her door she loves it and treasures it so much. Your entry today brought tears to my eyes i remember having the same feelings having the moments where you just cry for your child . Your a wonderful mom Debi , and Aaron is a wonderful dad . Noah is so blessed to have wonderful parents like you both. We Hope and pray for Noahs Kidneys and hope and pray for a better day tomorrow.

TOns of prayers
heart hugs and kisses

Missy and princess Kayleigh

(((((((((Hug)))))))))))))))))))))

Anonymous said...

Debi,
God knows what is in your heart already, you know that of course...I am not telling you anything new. Trials make us stronger in the end, but going through the refining process is not always easy or beautiful. We want so bad to know why or what the point is, but it does not always make any sense and sometimes we never get to see the point. Because God knows what is in your heart you have no fear in letting it ALL OUT! SCREAM....KICK....GET MAD....STOMP SATAN IN THE HEAD.....HIT SOMETHING.....FALL ON YOUR FACE....but do NOT hold it all in. It is not good spiritually, mentally, emotionally or physically. We cannot pretend to know what you are going through because we have no idea. But GOD KNOWS! His Heart breaks with yours! HE had a son too...He fully knows your pain! Noah Is His boy first and He will never let him go.....maybe he is laying there laughing inside saying "hahaha...amateurs....I will wake up when I am good and ready" but no matter what is going on in his spirit...GOD is with him, every single moment! He is holding him and loving him and you know what....God wants to hold you too....let him....break down....fall in HIS arms...they will never let you fall too far.

Perhaps the moment is unclear, but let it be~~even if the next, and many moments after that are unclear, let them be. Trust that God will help you work them out, and that all the unclear moments will bring you to that moment of clarity and action when you are known by Him and know Him.

Anonymous said...

Big ((Hugs)) Debi.

Martha

Anonymous said...

Sending you lots of hugs! Aunt Karen

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Welcome to Noah's blog! We thank you for following us on our God-led journey and thank you for all your thoughts and prayers! Noah was born June 22, 2009 with many anatomical birth defects and underwent his first major surgery when he was just 4 days old. He has been in and out of the hospital since day one and has had a total of 4 major surgeries to date, with his latest one being the most extreme and difficult - his first open heart surgery on November 4 and December 17th, 2010. He is a warrior and this is his journey...

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